All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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