I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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