when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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