I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
