um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
