I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
