i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
