girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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