so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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