JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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