found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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