upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
