"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
