Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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