Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
