Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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