drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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