I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
