One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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