I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
