I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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