Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
