i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
