I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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