first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
