I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
