I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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