I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I didn't notice because vodka
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Randomize
