You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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