The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He better not be in your backpack
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
