No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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