He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
