Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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