ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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