Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Come share oat with me in your robe
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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