I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
This toilet bowl is my home.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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