So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Randomize
