Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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