fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
