But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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