Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
