There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Found your dick twin last night
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
