The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
