Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
