I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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