I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
