um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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