R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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