I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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