Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
