I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
