I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
