I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
