my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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