My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
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You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
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In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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