I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
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